Being Avoided

Hooked up with friend and now he’s avoiding me

Q. Me and a guy friend of mine from college hang out together as part of a larger group of friends. A couple of weeks ago, we hooked up. There was no sex or anything, but it was as far as you could go before actually doing it. To me, it was just a hook up and I honestly didn’t think much of it, but I guess he thought it was a much bigger deal because he completely started ignoring me. No replying to my text messages and totally avoiding contact whenever possible. What?

Anyway, it’s pissing me off that he’s acting like I don’t exist, because seriously it seemed like we were pretty good friends. Now I feel like I’m throwing myself at him just because I want to act the way I did before ‘the incident’. It wasn’t really that great of a hook up anyway, so it’s not like I’m going back for more anytime soon. Can you tell me what’s I’m missing here? And can you give me some advice on how I deal with his lame ass behavior?

A. It sounds like your buddy has come down with a case of post hook up amnesia. Not only is he acting like he had a complete blackout during your session of hot and heavy, he’s also pretending like your friendship never existed either. As inane as his behavior seems to be, he’s actually pulling a card that many people do when they don’t have the maturity or confidence to deal with an embarrassing situation head on.

In your books, the hook up was feeble, period. You’ve accepted the fact that the two of you got together, it didn’t pan out – and are willing to continue being friends with the guy without continually reliving that one night. But try to look at it from another perspective…

If he knows as well as you do that the hook up was pathetic, and believes that it might have been his performance to blame, he’d rather ignore you and the memory of that night until the sting isn’t so severe. He thinks that if he resumes hanging out with you, you’ll have to actually ‘talk’ about what’s transpired between you two, so instead, he’s devised a strategy to back off for as long as possible until the incident becomes such a vague memory that you almost forget that it happened.

But that’s just one way to look at it. There could be plenty of reasons why he’s avoiding you:

1. He might have a girlfriend. Maybe she’s not on campus but she’s out there somewhere, and he’s feeling majorly guilty for going behind her back.

2. One of the other guys from your group of friends has a thing for you, and Mr. Memory Loss is suffering guilt pangs for swooping in and taking a shot at his buddy’s crush.

3. He’s perfectly happy being friends with you but now that you’ve gotten intimate, he’s worried that you’ll stalk him into wanting a relationship, so he’s playing the a-hole card to cut you off at the pass.

At this moment, it doesn’t really matter why he’s freaking out. The fact that he’s actually gone to the point of totally denying your existence proves that as much as you try to press him for the truth, you’ll never get it. Give your friend the much needed space he is so desperately vying for, and if you’re actually interested in staying friends with the guy, once a bit more time has passed, try to reach out to him without any mention of the incident. A better time to do it would be once you guys get comfortable being friends again. 

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.