Cyber Lover is Married

Online lover turned out to be married

Q. Here’s the issue. I met a guy online and we started hanging out, but even on the first night, the course of events turned into having sex. Well, it seemed like we were hitting it off but I found it kind of strange that we never went out anywhere – just stayed in to have dinner, drink wine, or hangout. A month into it, he admitted to me a huge secret – he’s married. I’ve never been with a married man before but it sure explained a lot about his behavior.

Here’s my problem. I’m not saying I’m in love with him, or even that I’m that interested, but I am into him enough to keep the secret and continue our sexual relationship – which, by the way, is really smokin’ hot. I know he’s unhappy in his marriage but, for a few reasons I can’t disclose, he won’t leave her. I’m not trying to make excuses for his behavior, but I guess that when I picture myself in his situation, I’d probably be doing the same thing. Help!!! I know it’s totally wrong but it doesn’t seem to bother me that much right now. What is wrong with me!?

A. You probably couldn’t have dreamed up a more uncompromising, confusing situation to be in. To your credit, you didn’t actually know that he was married until the two of you got close – or at least, gotten used to one another. The trouble of finding partners online is that potential dates can weave whatever story they please, and all you can do is take their word for it until you actually see them in action.

A few words about staying in this situation. If he is married, he must have trusted you a lot to come clean about his behavior, but you can’t assume that what he’s told you -as well as anything he tells you from here on in – is the truth. And since he’s isolated the two of you from every form of public interaction, you have nothing but his word to go by. He could be a pathological liar – and for all you know, he might not even be married … it could just be an excuse to avoid committing to you! Regardless of whether he is or isn’t, use a condom for protection; there’s a possibility that he’s doing the exact same thing to other women just like you, and playing the ‘marriage card’ might make him appear to be safe enough to have sex with without a condom.

You mentioned that you were okay with sleeping with him for the time being. Whether it’s the illicitness of the situation or the ‘high’ from great sex that influencing your decision, sooner or later the reality of what you’re doing will probably surface. Lying to friends, keeping his secrets, and limiting yourself socially when you’re with him will start to drive you nuts. Could you imagine accidentally running into him while he’s with his wife? And what about the dreaded fact that YOU might fall for him, only to be reminded that his circumstances prevent him from fulfilling your needs? It might not be a big deal now, but the longer this persists, the more embedded you become.

A few words about getting out this situation. Other than giving you a hair-raising romp in the bedroom – the excitement of which will eventually wane – you can’t expect much from a person who’s two-timing. Don’t fantasize, and don’t plan anything around him. Phase him out while you continue living your life. Be social with your circle of friends, make yourself available for dates with single, eligible men – and above all else, be discerning about people you meet online. 

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