I Can’t Orgasm

I Can’t Orgasm (with or without my boyfriend)

Q. I would like to ask you a question about sexual arousal and orgasm, but I’ll preface it by telling you about my sexual history. I lost my virginity just last year, so I don’t have much experience to go on. Before this, my boyfriend would caress my vagina with his fingers. At first I was opposed to it, but at last I found it quite pleasant. I didn’t, and still don’t, masturbate myself. Instead, my guy does it for me. When I think about oral/manual stimulation, I’m afraid to say that I like it more than sex. Is that normal? I don’t get aroused easily during sex, and a lot of effort is needed for it. How can I help it? I don’t even get a real orgasm during sex. Don’t get me wrong, sex feels good and all, but I just don’t come. Could you give me some tips of what I should do to get an orgasm – without actually asking my partner to do something different in some way? I lie to him about orgasming, but it’s because I don’t want to make him upset.

A. Although you get a bit of leeway because you’re new to sex, the mistakes that you’re starting to make a habit of now are going to affect your ability to get aroused and orgasm for the rest of your life. Your problems stem from the fact that you aren’t being honest with your boyfriend. I know you mean well by not wanting to hurt his feelings, but neither one of you benefits from you saying that you’re sexually satisfied – when in fact, you are not. For one thing, your lying limits his opportunity to grow as a lover by experimenting with different ways to pleasure you – and for the record, there are many, many ways to achieve this end. For another, being dishonest about what feels good to you only makes you feel uncomfortable with him when you have sex, and eventually ends up making you feel so isolated that it prevents any hope of you getting aroused during intercourse.

 

The basis of enjoying true enjoyment in the bedroom is actually quite simple, if you stick to a few basic rules:
1. Speak up! Both of you must be open to trying new things and communicating what works and what doesn’t. If you never give him feedback, he’ll never meet your needs. On the other hand, if you’ve tried to convey your needs and he wasn’t willing to accommodate them, it isn’t a reason for you to try to ‘fix it on your own,’ it is a sign that he probably isn’t right for you as a lover – now, nor in the long run.

 

2. Experiment on yourself. How are you ever supposed to figure out how to become aroused in front of someone else (or for you to help him figure you out), if you avoid trying it out on your own? Since it’s a challenge for you to get turned on in front of your boyfriend during Intercourse, take matters into your own hands by practicing through Masturbation. Sometimes all it takes is being in an unpressured situation in order to get your mojo going.

 

3. Be patient. It takes time to get to know your body’s responses and get to know what it takes to bring you to orgasm. Because sex is very new to you, it is unreasonable to expect to have everything figured out right away.
Enjoying sexual contact is as much mental as it is physical. If you feel that you need to please someone else at the expense of yourself, there’ll always be a barrier between you and your Orgasm. Don’t dwarf what could otherwise grow into a very satisfying, intimate sexual relationship by lying. Lighten up, enjoy the journey, and invite your boyfriend to join in the hunt.

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