Inappropriate Friend

Boyfriend Advances Are Sexually Inappropriate

Q. Whether it’s in public or at home, the ‘moves’ my boyfriend makes to get me in the mood is one of my biggest pet peeves. He thinks its okay to grab, grope, touch, paw and hump whenever the mood strikes him – plus he tries to initiate sex at the most inopportune moments, like when I’m in the middle of writing a paper or running late to meet a friend.

Honestly, I just don’t want to have sex under those circumstances! I’m not choosy nor am I frigid, but it takes a lot more than him copping a feel to get me hot. Actually, it has the opposite effect; not only is it not a turn, we usually end up bickering over sex. All I want is to have a great sex life, but I feel like the way he’s going about it is make it impossible.

A. ’Ante-in’ with a boob grab, ‘raise ‘em’ with a leg hump, and ‘call’ with a quick feel-up. If any woman were to hear stakes like those, she’d fold before she even looked at her own cards.

As you’ve already stated, your boyfriend’s behavior does nothing to encourage your sex life. It’s one thing to joke around with saucy gestures and kinky comments, but there’s something amiss in your sex life when it’s constantly one-sided. Not only is his ceaseless humping and groping immature, it’s obvious that you neither respond to nor appreciate it. His conduct is clearly annoying and all it ends up doing is blowing one opportunity after another for sex.

Here’s what makes the situation complicated. Even though deep down inside, your refusals make him feel rejected, it has the unintended effect of egging him on even more. Think back to when you were a kid. Remember the annoying boy who’d always pull your hair and call you names? Though it was excruciatingly annoying, he actually had a crush on you – and pestering you was the only way he felt equipped to give you attention.

Fast forward to today. It’s time for both of you to quit your playground antics -yes, both of you. His ‘moves’ might be irritating, but it’s also up to you stop reacting and get to the real root of the problem. Acknowledge that his behavior is alienating both of you from a really satisfying sex life, and give him some direction as to what would really turn you on. It’d also help if you get him to agree to refrain from all his sexual advances for a set amount of time. This will give you some breathing room to recover from his not-so-seductive-techniques and allow you to do some of the chasing.

The problem with your boyfriend’s advances wasn’t that he was trying to be sexual with you; it was that he was initiating the activity without considering how his actions would impact you. Even though sex – whether it’s raunchy or romantic – is thoroughly gratifying, the act in itself shouldn’t be anyone’s final goal. If intimacy and connection aren’t a person’s first priorities, they’ll eventually find the cards stacked against them. 

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