Going For The Long Shot (Dick)

Sperm can swim but semen can fly. Don’t believe me?… check this out.

I don’t know how those porno-dudes do it, the only way I can get anything to exit my dick with that much force is to chug three Venti Lattes and then sit in traffic for an hour.

Kegel excercises are key, they say. Muscles in the pelvic floor which contract during orgasm to expel your Man Juice can be strengthened with excercise, thus producing a muzzle velocity greatly improved over your usual enthusiastic dribble.

Women dig fast moving semen for two main reasons; women are romantics who appreciate the asthetic and ambiance of showy fountains, and women love the feeling of having their cervix power washed with baby gravy.

It is important to note that most women who fall into the “fountains are sexy” category would not ascribe the same aroused appreciation to any show you could produce with a six pack of beer and the side of a bridge. Just saying. Save that impressive exhibition for your guy friends.

Working your pubococcygeus (PC) muscles is what you do when attempting to stop the flow of urine. To improve strength of this muscle group, flex your pelvic floor in this manner regularly and repeatedly. I do this sort of “stop the urine” clenching routine with great frequency myself, mostly while sitting in large conference rooms for extended periods of time.

Usually, though, I forget. I’m just too scatter brained and multi-distracted to remember regular pelvic puckering for self improvement. Sure, I could set little timers in my iPhone to vibrate in my pants on a set schedule of prodding reminders but I just can’t afford to remember my Kegels! I forget more important things.

I can see it now, as dinner is served at the Dick-n-Jane household…
“Dick, where are the kids? Did you remember to pick them up from school?”
“Uh… no. But would you like to see me ejaculate!?”
I have to choose what I’m going to forget very carefully.

Electro-sex toys can be used as a shortcut to PC supremacy (or so I have heard) but they’ll likely score you a cheating disqualification in the Ejaculation Olympics. In the same vein as Electric Abdominal Belts, you connect electrodes in the vicinity of your package (ignoring the wailing of your self-preservation alarms) and switch on a pulsing electric current that forces very rapid involuntary muscle contractions within your pelvis. Fun. In an effort to make your partner’s heart skip a beat you could very well stop your own.

I prefer a more organic approach to cheating. The penis has a built-in reflex that produces muscular contractions in the target area when the glans (head) is squeezed. This reflex works best on erect weiners and is also responsive to vibration… like the ideal kind delivered in rolling waves by the Lelo Billy. Laying in bed watching a movie while holding a vibrator against the frenulum of a responsively throbbing hard-on is my kind of workout.

A few more weeks of this regimen and Jane will need to start wearing a helmet when she rides atop my sperm canon… our bedroom ceiling is only 8 feet.

Dick and Jane are sex positive bloggers sharing intimate moments and sexy ideas.

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