Notable Hoodrat Inventions

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An idol for anorexics and bulimics everywhere

For all the (deserved) hell that professional golem Eric Williams is receiving for splashing water in his ex-wife’s face during last week’s edition of Roundball Ratchets, you kind of have to step back and admire the ingenuity these reality show participants have consistently exhibited. Knowing that punches, slaps, spitting, and face mushes can get you kicked out of houses and kicked off shows (Well, can get you kicked off shows if your name isn’t Tami Roman), the blitzkrieg water splash — as quick as it’s deadly — is actually a pretty clever way to circumvent the rules while still managing to achieve your goal of blatant disrespect.

What makes the blitzkrieg water splash even more inventive is that, if done correctly, it can achieve the pinnacle of hoodrich hoochie disrespect: intentional lacefront impairment.

The prevalence of this “invention” shouldn’t surprise anyone, though. Throughout history, hoodrats — in this sense, “hoodrat” isn’t gender or even income-level specific. Eric Williams is just as much of a hoodrat as Kat Stacks  — have a history of developing and pioneering things that prove to be just as resourceful and practical as they’re uncouth and cringe-worthy.

Noah, the world’s first recorded hoodrat, actually initially built the arc just so he could put it in his backyard and “impress the bitches on his block.”¹ Right when he was about to equip it with a new set of shiny, 26 inch wooden planks he leased from Rent-N-Roll, God came a calling with that flood mess and changed his plans, forever changing him from Hood dude to hero.

Hot ghetto Old Testament messes aside, here’s a few more welcome additions to American culture that hoodrats have pioneered.

The Booty Clap

Now, for all we know, they could have been booty-clapping in the Serengeti hundreds of years ago. Maybe the real reason Napoleon shot the nose off of the Great Sphinx was that he was just royally pissed and embarrassed that a couple especially sneaky booty-clapping Nile river strippers managed to get him for all of his travel cash.

But, since we don’t have any documented footage of that occurring, we’re best to assume that the booty clap — an awesome spectacle of creative debauchery that manages to incorporate the rhythmic ethos of our ancestors with an impeccably proper control of the glutes and a tinge of typical hoodrat ratchedness — was probably invented at a BBQ in a Gary, Indiana basement within the last 30 years.

Regardless of when it was first launched, the booty clap has been a great addition to our lives; extending the reach of numerous strippers, spawning many stripper’s children, and — in an act that completes the circle of life — paying for pole dancing classes for these doomed bastard stripper children.

The Argument Emphasis Clap

Although I’m not exactly sure why hoodrats seem so enthused with the idea of clapping things, I do know that I appreciate the argument emphasis clap — what happens when they get angry and start punctuating each syllable with an increasingly loud clap of the hands — because I know that if I happen to hear that while I’m at a club, it’s probably time to find the nearest escape route.

The Sagged Pants Super Sprint

Like the booty clap, it defies the laws of physics. There’s absolutely no way in hell that a man with his pants down to his f*cking knees still should be able to run a sub 4.3 40. But, as we all know, physics stopped f*cking with the hood like 30 years ago, which is why, while I was leaving my barbershop yesterday, I was able to witness a 16 year old waddle 200 yards under 9 seconds while he was running from a cop.

Why this isn’t an Olympic event yet is news to me.

The Male Pregnant Belly Beater

In one of his best stand-up performances, Dave Chappelle said (paraphrasing) that you can tell you’re in the hood when  you see random babies just walking around the neighborhood at night. This may be true, but an even more reliable marker of the hood is seeing fat men walking around with wifebeaters who are either completely unaware of their fatness or completely apathetic to it.

If you’re not clear on exactly what I’m talking about, go to the 20 second mark of this video and pay attention to the Beanie Siegel doppelgangers dancing (in a quite pause worthy fashion, mind you) near the baseline.

But, although it may annoy and disgust, the male pregnant belly beater is a welcome throwback; an eff you to the rest of the world’s hang-ups about body image, fashion, and sweat glands that we can all learn from.

Anyway, people of, I’m sure I’m forgetting a few. Can you name any other notable hoodrat inventions? Things hoodrats have invented that have actually made the world a much better and much more entertaining place?

¹This may or may not be in the version of the Bible that you read

—The Champ

***REMINDER FOR THE DMV VSB ninjas: Come join Panama Jackson this Saturday, August 6, 2011, from 10pm-3am at Liv Nightclub for Reminisce, a party dedicated to the the 90s brought to you by Shine On M Productions x Just Cause x Very Smart Brothas. With music provided by Sup Qool DJ Quartermaine, it’s going to be a throwback to the days when most of us were in college and living the good life. All 90s hip-hop/r&b/dancehall all night long. And most importantly (and best of all) its FREE until midnight ($5 cover after) OPEN BAR on rail liquor from 10-11pm and NO DRESS CODE. Come out and party like you used to do to the music you still listen to and take a shot with Panama Jackson.***

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