Valentine’s Day: Don’t Be A Schmuck (Dick)

Every year when Valentine’s Day approaches there are two conflicting voices in the ears of men (think angel and devil on the shoulders). The voices start as whispers on February 1st but build into a shouting match as the “holiday” nears.

One is the voice of marketers hoping you’ll buy all the worthless sentiment they’re selling. Whether or not you’ve been a schmuck all year, this is your chance to do her right by demonstrating that your love overwhelms your ability to spend money wisely. BUY! Because if you don’t she’ll think you’re a schmuck EVERY day of the year.

The other is the voice of reason. It says you are a loving person who genuinely appreciates his partner, surely she sees that! If you go out and waste money on fluffy tomfoolery she’ll think you’re shallow and fiscally unsound. Valentine’s Day, after all, is just a fabrication by Hallmark to sell cards in the void between Christmas and Easter.

The economic surge that February 14th unleashes is not evidence of love… it is a testament to men’s fear and lust.

Alternatives suggested by “experts”, to avoid your penis dipping into your wallet, are not much better. I read a blog entry today authored by a Ph.D holding sex counselor published on news credible CNN (find it here). I encourage you to go read his advice but I’ll summarize the [sophomoric] ten Valentine’s Day tips of this sex professional for you here:

  1. Start the day by fabricating a lie intended to manipulate your partner’s mood.
  2. Give your partner a long hug, not out of love, but to alter her body chemistry in your favor.
  3. Be positive, because it is a calculated advantage.
  4. At the last minute, stop by the drug store for some sex paraphernalia.
  5. Clean some stuff at home, it turns her on when you do her job for her.
  6. Don’t bother to get out of the house for dinner, buy take-out. Later, feed her chocolate to alter her brain chemistry in your favor.
  7. Digitally disconnect (good advice, actually)
  8. Do some more altering of her body chemistry to gain advantage. Also, get her tipsy… her otherwise sober inhibitions make her dull.
  9. Use environmental stimuli to put her into a trance, because trances are hot.
  10. Have sex and then buy my book.

I have better advice; be a good person, be admireable, be adoring, be the man you were when she fell for you. Oh, and do that every day… not just one day in the void between Christmas and Easter.

On Valentine’s Day plan to set aside other obligations and devote some time to each other; laugh, be yourselves, and reconnect. Maintain realistic expectations and don’t let marketers define how much expressions of your love should cost.

For the ladies who managed to read this far, please mark your calendars because March 14th is Steak and Bowjob Day. As I’m sure you’re already aware, we men are simple creatures so there’s no need for anything fancy. You may hear conflicting voices in your head arguing whether you should blow him before he eats his steak or after… listen to them both. But for god’s sake, don’t suck the man’s meat while he’s eating… the Heimlich Maneuver is never sexy.

Dick and Jane are sex positive bloggers sharing intimate moments and sexy ideas.

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